Life and Letters

Too many things to do, too little time - A phrase we often utter. I'm becoming conscious of the fact that I have so many things that I want to try out but I'm also constantly reminded that I'm busy enough as it is. A few weeks back, R calculated for me that I spend very little time sleeping. Therefore, last night I decided that for once I will go to bed early. And so I did. I woke up at 7am and it was panic cos I only had 5 hours to get everything done - emails, phone calls, admin work, school work... and at 11.30am I found myself nearly hyperventilating from the stress of it all. Then I realised that perhaps I'm leading too many lives - daughter, girlfriend, student, friend, surrogate mother, employee to 2 companies, leader, teacher. So I asked myself 'when does it get to point where it's just too much?' and I realised that I have to learn to prioritise. JK's wise words rang in my head throughout the afternoon. Perhaps I should learn to give myself a little more 'me time'. And that shall be my new year resolution. That I should give myself proper rest and breaks. No more this sleeping for average of 28-35 hours a week of sleep business.... but what happens to the work then? Do i just have to cramp everything into that few hours i have in a day?

I feel myself getting older by the day. I become more cynical by the day and I whine a lot, i mean seriously a lot. R will probably nod his head in agreement cos he receives most of the whining. I'm still looking for my first grey hair and I have a feeling it's about to appear soon. But then again I think back to all my birthdays in the previous years when I dread turning a year older and I realise when the birthday is spent in the company of people whom you love and love you, becoming a year older doesn't seem to be as daunting a task. And I count myself blessed to have been able to have to done so for the years gone by.

Speaking of years gone by, I was faced with a harsh reality last night of how much we change as we grow older. It hit me right smack in my face that someone who I once regarded as a friend, one whom I could really talk to about my problems, has changed so much beyond belief. I don't deny that I have changed. Since I entered uni 5 years ago, I've changed loads. I suppose there are good & bad sides to it depending on which aspects of 'change' we're talking about. But for that friend, it was just shocking and I just sat there thinking about the past and feeling sentimental. As I lay in bed last night, I came out with a theory:

The past is the present preparing for the future: I cherish and regret yesterday but I will never forget. Yesterday tells me who I am today and tells me what to expect tomorrow.

The present changes the past to change the future: I look to yesterday with today's eyes so that I can think of tomorrow with clarity.

The future makes a promise to the present that the past was the best thing that ever happened: I look to tomorrow with the hopes of today's fond memories of yesterday.

And to make things more complicated, I realised that it all summarises into this:

We spend too much time living in the past and in the future. We don't spend enough time living in the present. We regret the past and worry about the future far too much. Why regret the past when we can't change the past? Why worry so much about the future when it has not arrived yet? We should just live in the here and now. Since we can't do anything about the past and the future, we should just do something about now. Simply, live in the present.

But is it THAT simple? Then it got all too complicated for my little brain and I got confused and decided it was too late to send R a text message. So I decided to calm down with some Brahms on my little mp3 player, and awaited the beginning of another challenging but rewarding day.