Life and Letters

There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.

This is the dilemma which I face now. Coming home this time round has been nice to a certain extent. The primary reason is to visit my mum and just to be home. After all, home is where one belongs isn’t it? At least, that’s what we all perceive our homes to be.

It’s been a week since I’ve been home and I can’t help but feel that I’m slowly being driven away from my mum by my mum. I know it sounds ridiculous but I do believe that at some point, she has to learn that she can’t run my life forever. I’m at an age where I think I’m mature enough to make decisions for myself. If I want to have dinner with a friend, I just do. Yes, I take into consideration if my mum will be having dinner alone at home, or whether she would like anything doing at that time etc. It doesn’t have to go to the extent of condemning the dinner, or the friend in order for me to get pissed off, so that I won’t go out.

Neither does constantly snapping at me help at all. Up till now, I’ve remained calm and cool and hoping to God that she will stop screaming at every single thing one day. No one asks her to mop the floor everyday, neither does anyone asks her to scrub every single piece of clothing before putting them in the washing machine. Also, no one says that she has to do a million things in a day. G is right – my mum is a workaholic. I know I’m a workaholic too, but it doesn’t make me into some possessive person or one who snaps like a crocodile who’s trying to have his dinner.

Things have happened in my family recently and it’s been a real emotional toil for me since February. I knew I would have a lot on my plate when I get home this time cos mum will be constantly talking to me and venting her anger etc. However, she can’t expect me to do things which are beyond my principles, things that I can only try my best in but not promise to deliver.

I can understand where my mum’s coming from – she’s insecure now and she just wants my sis and I to come home after we complete our PhDs. I totally empathize with that and have told myself that I will get back to Singapore to take care of her. However, when that time comes and I’m 26, she can’t still be treating me like a 5 year old.

Sometimes I feel that at this age, I shouldn’t be thinking so far ahead as I am now. I should be concentrating on my degree, looking forward to getting my PhD. But now, I’m truly dreading ending my studies cos I know that upon graduation, life is not going to be smooth sailing. Giving my mum a good retirement, finding a decent job in a ‘foreigner filled’ Singapore, putting up with countless criticisms… it’s just way too much to actually look forward to with joyous expectancy.

I try to be the best daughter I can even though I have flaws, but I can never be that perfect daughter my mum expects me to be…
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On a totally separate note, since I’ve been back, I’ve been relief teaching for Houwping in TJC. It’s quite fun teaching MEP at A level standard probably cos this is the ‘highest’ of levels one can teach music at within MOE. The kids are really warm and nice (as always with MEP@TJC kids) and my colleagues are great (one of which was my own MEP teacher when I was in TJC in 2000/01). MEP@TJC is putting up a public concert next week and I’ve also been coaching the ensemble groups. It’s been fab in a way, cos I realised that I really love teaching ensembles and working with chamber groups. It’s also made me realize that perhaps I really want to conduct string orchestras back in Singapore etc. We’ll see how it goes.

I got to meet Houwping briefly the day after I landed which was nice, and have met up with Poot and Zhangyi. I’m meeting Proko today when he visits TJ :)

I met George last night for a cup of coffee and his little daughter (who is now 4!!) is still as cute as ever. She was telling me that she knows how to write her ABCs and her 123s. And she sang a version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, except that it was changed to ‘Twinkle Twinkle Traffic Light’. So hilarious… She said she loves to draw and she wants to be a teacher like her Dad. She wants to teach little kids – at this point she said that her brother (who’s 2 years old) is a little kid, so she can teach him how to write ABCs (‘My brother’s handwriting is not pretty’ she said in Mandarin :P) Gosh, she’s so adorable…

I’m glad I have a friend in George, cos apart from Hp, he’s the only friend who I can really confide in while I’m home.

Anyway, I guess I better stop here cos I have a class soon and I should go set up the DVD player etc…. ttfn.